Simon Kelk: Web Creations

How much of a twat are you?

Everyone does something daft from time to time. That's OK - this kind of occasional "twattish" behaviour is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. However, for some people this is not enough. They go just that bit too far and annoy people intensely. Obvious examples of twats would be Jeffrey Archer, Chris Evans, and Richard Madeley.

They are extreme cases and quite obvious to most people. However other twats can remain undetected for quite some time. "Is there any way to identify them?" I hear you ask. Well, help is now at hand in the form of this simple questionnaire. It's carefully chosen and balanced questions are able to reveal the precise level of your twattish (or "arseholic") content.

On completion of the form you can calculate your own A.Q. (Arsehole Quotient) and read a short description of your condition.

Section A: General Awareness, Beliefs and Opinions

1) Do you see anything wrong with being obsessed with a single, unimportant issue?	Yes No
2) Do you think that that Enoch Powell talked a lot of sense?	Yes No
3) Are you a Conservative MP?	Yes No
4) Have you ever attended Question Time and shouted from the back until removed?	Yes No
5) Do you consider the Daily Mail to be a proper newspaper?	Yes No
6) Did you line the route of the Diana funeral procession?	Yes No
7) Should the Queen raise and lower her flag according to the whim of The Sun newspaper?	Yes No
8) Do you own any commemorative Diana memorabilia?	Yes No
9) Do you believe you have seen a UFO?	Yes No
10) Do you believe in fairies?	Yes No
11) Do you believe Elvis is still alive?	Yes No
12) Do you believe in ESP and premonitions?	Yes No
13) Did you see that last question coming?	Yes No
14) Do you believe that the people who killed JFK also killed Diana?	Yes No
15) Do you believe you were someone else in a previous life?	Yes No
16) Do you have a clue?	Yes No Unsure

Section B: Entertainment & Fashion

1) Which of these TV programmes do you watch religiously:	Eastenders Coronation St. Neighbours Emmerdale Hollyoaks Doctors
2) Would you restrict the length of a holiday according to the number of episodes of the above that you can video?	Yes No
3) Do you think Noel Edmonds is a very talented chap?	Yes No
4) Have you ever got rid of your television set and gone around telling everyone about how much better your life is as a result?	Yes No
5) If you are a student, do you like a different band each week?	Yes No
6) Do you still dress as a goth, hippie, rocker, or punk, even though you are now in your late forties?	Yes No
7) Do you file your CD's in alphabetical order?	Yes No
8) Do you admire Eric Clapton's craft?	Yes No
9) Have you ever waved a lighter above your head at a rock concert?	Yes No
10) Do you know the difference between hip-hop, garage, handbag, and jungle?	Yes No
11) Do you think current fashions are generally better than those of ten years ago?	Yes No
12) Do you own a pair of trainers with giant soles?	Yes No
13) Have you ever owned a shell-suit?	Yes No
14) Do you think flares are excellent?	Yes No
15) Do you wear Des Lynam style pullovers when you go to the pub at lunchtime on Sunday?	Yes No
16) Have you ever worn a baseball hat backwards?	Yes No

Section C: General Behaviour & Motoring

1) Have you ever shouted 'Babe!' whenever an attractive woman appears on television?	Yes No
2) Have you ever made a loud noise in the street?	Yes No
3) Have you ever done a wee in a public place that wasn't a public toilet? (Unless you live in Hartlepool where there's no difference.)	Yes No Hartlepool
4) Have you ever emptied your car's ashtray out the window onto the street?	Yes No
5) Do you pretend to like something that is clearly unlikeable? (e.g. sour scream, caviar, raw egg, Damian Hirst)	Yes No
6) Do you own a pit-bull terrier?	Yes No
7) Do you own a dog which you pretend is a pit-bull terrier?	Yes No
8) Do you own a dog called "Sheba", "Prince" or "Zoltan"?	Yes No
9) If you own a shed is it neat & tidy or a bit of a mess?	Tidy Mess No shed
10) Do you use a mobile phone on public transport to tell people that you will be on time?	Yes No
11) When joining a motorway do you head straight for the fast lane?	Yes No
12) What is a safe distance to maintain between cars travelling at 70mph in wet conditions?	(a) 150yds (b) half a mile (c) 10yds (d) 10 inches (if you have your headlights on)
13) Do you have any plastic body-kit such as spoilers, wings, etc stuck to your car?	Yes No
14) Do you have a box of tissues on the back parcel shelf?	Yes No
15) (a) Do you have a "baby onboard" sticker on the back of the car?	Yes No
(b) If so, do you feel this makes a difference?	Yes No
16) Do you wear driving gloves?	Yes No
17) Have you ever used a mobile phone when driving?	Yes No
18) Do you drive with your arm sticking out of the window?	Yes No
19) If you use your hazard warning lights is it OK to double-park or otherwise obstruct traffic?	Yes No

Thank you for completing this form.

Now click below to see how well you did...

Your A.Q. is

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