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New Tory manifesto pledge

Shadow Health minister Dinsdale Quenby yesterday announced plans that will radically change the way British women will reproduce in the near future. Under the Conservative party's new proposals women will LAY their eggs in purpose-built 'nesting wards' a few days are fertilisation. There the eggs will be looked after by specially trained midwives and an automated egg-management system to be known as MUMI.

According to Mr Quenby there will be several advantages to this scheme. One of the major benefits is that the mothers will be able to return to work for the full duration of the pregnancy. "Britain loses over 390 billion hours of production annually due to maternity leave." Mr Quenby stated. "This equates to something like £600 billion pounds wasted every year. Our proposals will cut that figure by half."

Reducing lost production is not the only benefit from the new scheme. "Under the current Labour government we estimate that women have been suffering an appauling 300 trillion miscarriages every year. Under our new egg-laying system we expect this figure to drop by 80%." Mr Quenby reckoned.

Quenby and his wife promoting National Hat Week on the South Downs yesterday

Features of the proposed system will be:

 - Eggs will be made from a special form of polycarbonate to protect the developing embryo.
 - The eggshells will be available in a range of colours
 - Each egg will have a unique barcode identification system to prevent mix-ups
 - Parents can visit their egg during the standard 9 month incubation period, and will be given monthly status reports.
 - The nesting wards (or "batteries") will have high-tech security systems to prevent theft by criminals, egg-collectors and predators.
 - Most batteries are expected to be run under the NHS, but private sector involvement is to be encouraged.

However, reproduction experts are currently unconvinced of the viability of the scheme. "It sounds like a badly thought-out load of rubbish to me" said Professor Winston Moustache, a reproduction expert at the Voorderman Institute for the Advancement of TV Scientists.

If the plans are implemented Britain will be the first country in the western world to introduce such a scheme. Something similar was trialed in the american state of Alabama in the 1980's when citizens were encouraged to return to water to breed. This involved the construction of 70 special breeding ponds across the state where men and women would go to copulate. The women would then attach their fertilised eggs to strands of synthetic pondweed. The project was abandonned after only four years due to a total lack of success.