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Church loses Christmas contract


by HELMHOLTZ COYLES
Religion Correspondent
No more charming nativity scenes like this...
Christians are aghast at the news that the next Christmas will be the last!

Vatican records reveal that the Christian Church leased the mid-winter festival then known as 'Saturnalia' from the pagans for 2004 years, which was considered a long time in those days. However, this lease will run out after Christmas 2005 and the festival must be handed back to the pagans. Vatican spokesman Mr. Jean-Paul Pope confirmed that the festival will be handed back as per the original agreement: "We intend to honour our commitments in a charitable and Christian manner" he said at a press conference yesterday. "Amen", he added.

Druid elders celebrated the news with a special sunrise ceremony at Stonehenge. "This is excellent news for all us pagans and the great unwashed", said Master Druid John "Greycat" Henderson. "We'll be cracking open a few cases of virgins tonight as well I expect!" he continued.

The reinstated Saturnalia festival is expected to follow similar lines to Christmas but with sheep's heads instead of turkeys, and a large stone instead of a christmas tree. In Britain the festival is likely to be called Djoechnvaerch Nagaer, which is Old Norse for 'merry christmas and a happy new year'.

However, their celebrations may be short-lived. It is understood that the Islamic authorities in Iran have bid for the expired lease. It is rumoured that they have put forward a compelling business case and may have backed it up with hard cash. The Grand Council of Druids will be meeting with other pagan authorites over the next few months to consider the offer.

Rumours that B-Sky-B proprietor Rupert Murdoch has bid for the exclusive television rights have been denied.


Carnage in supermarket queue


by GASTON SYRACUSE
Shopping Correspondent
Chaos struck a Swindon supermarket yesterday afternoon, as a multiple trolley pile-up left four people in hospital. The accident happened at 6:15pm in the Gateway superstore in the Arndale centre. Although it is unclear yet as to how the accident started it is believed that the heavy trolley traffic at this busy time is partly to blame.

Eye-witness accounts talk of people trying to push trolleys through the queues at the checkouts - an unlawful procedure. It is believed that two such trolleys became entangled whilst going for a gap which had developed. These trolleys then careered at high speed into a stationary queue of customers with trolleys. "There was this almighty crash from somewhere near checkout 8 and hoards of groceries and other goods flew into the air" said Mr Johnson Frixley, 22, a customer who was standing in the "nine items or less" queue at the time. "Then came the screams" he continued.

One customer received abdominal injuries when they were crushed between their trolley and the sweet display next to the checkout. The 'driver' of one of the trolleys suffered a sprained wrist when his trolley crashed into the queue. A third customer received head injuries from flying groceries; "Before I even knew what had happened a tin of tuna hit me on the side of the head" said Mrs Jay Kay Shippam, 49.

A customer at checkout 3 received neck injuries as she turned round to see what was happening; "I feel such a fool." said Mrs Penny Farthing, 29. "Please don't mention my name." she added.

The supermarket has assured the public that there will be a full inquiry into the incident, following accusations from one of the customers involved that a "dodgy" wheel on his trolley may have played a substantial part in the accident. A spokesperson for the supermarket said "We shall leave no stone or trolley unturned."

The only similar incident occured in 1995, when two people were injured when their trollies collided head on during a "trolley dash", in which participants get to keep all the goods they can grab in 1 minute. However, the most serious supermarket accident occurred in 1979 in Billingham. Six people were hospitalised - some seriously - when a tower of canned beans came crashing down, forming a "tidal wave" of cans that swept across the floor sweeping people off their feet.





Customers (including TV's "Frasier" and
tennis ace Tim Henman) scream for help

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