There has been no improvement in the condition of the child - who cannot be named for legal reasons - born three days ago with shoes already on his feet. Specialists from both Guy's Hospital and Clarks initially agreed not to surgically remove the shoes for fear of damaging the child's feet and scuffing the leather. Instead it was decided that the laces should be undone in an attempt to reduce pressure on the feet.

However this does not appear to have been entirely successful, and an operation to remove the shoes will now have to take place before the constriction to the child's bloodsupply becomes life-threatening. The ten hour operation which is due to take place tomorrow morning will be the world's first attempted "shoe-ectomy". "We've got our finger's crossed" said a spokesman encouragingly. "But doctors are still concerned that the child may have socks on as well" he added.

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Unstable people soon to be grafted to pigs

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by Dr. CRIELLA MAYHEM
Health Correspondent

Relief could soon be at hand for unstable people claim scientists - but not without cost!

Researchers at the Fronkenschteen Institute of Animal Experimentation in Hebden Bridge, Yorkshire, claim that recent advances in organ transplant science mean that will soon be possible for people to be sawn off at the waist and grafted onto the backs of pigs. "Our aim is to reduce the suffering of people who, for one reason or another, have become unstable and frequently topple over" a spokesman for the institute said yesterday. "The advantages of having four legs rather than two, or in some cases one, are obvious" he continued. "Stability in all terrains will be improved, and with a wider 'wheelbase' cornering speeds should increase markedly."

Recent tests at the institute - where the front half of a rabbit was grafted onto the back half of a cat - proved successful, and experts now feel that the technology is ready for application to humans. This development may also be effective for wheelchair bound paraplegics as well.

However, ethics watchdogs are concerned at the rise of what they term "cut & shut" surgery. "It's not a good idea for cars and neither is it a good idea for people" they whinged. "And the resulting 'pig-people' will take up more room on our buses and trains" they added as an afterthought.

Chronic Instability has been rising now for over a decade, with more people falling over than ever before. Experts are at a loss to explain this phenomenon. Dr. Karlheinz Riedle of Ambridge University, a long time researcher in the field, said "It might be due to changes in the Earth's magnetic field. Or food preservatives. Something like that."

The Rabbit-Cat: The Fronkenschteen Institute's
latest success.

An exhilarating new rollercoaster ride based on the reign of former Prime Minister John Major has opened at Alton Towers theme park in Staffordshire. The ride starts at the top and gradually goes downhill from there on. First it seemingly careers out of control through the "Tunnel of Greyness". Then, as it emerges into the daylight again it plunges headlong into the "Sea of Sleaze", dousing it's occupants.

It then gradually runs out of steam, and finally vanishes without a trace.

Initially the plan was to build a rollercoaster based on the life & times of Margaret Thatcher, but this was scuppered during the testing phase when people complained about the "Burning in Hell" section at the end.